This last year has been a fly by the seat of your pants type of year. I've never had a more unpredictable time in my life than this past year. It's been so hard at times, very emotional, and... bumpy. However, I feel that it was all needed. I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Let me explain.
About this time last year, we were living in Missouri, just a few miles from where I had grown up, family and friends nearby. I was attending grad school with only a few more classes needed until graduation. Jake was working his job and we were quietly living our lives. Our predictable, routine lives. In November, we got the confirmation that Jake was being promoted, and consequently, we had to relocate to Wisconsin. I, being shocked, selfish, and immature, immediately flipped. I cried. I threw tantrums. I complained to anyone who would listen to me. I made Jake feel guilty. I told him how much it was going to suck because we'd have no family around, we'd have no outlets, we would have nothing. I told him how unfair it was that I had to give up school and
my career path because of his. I admit it, I was a very bad wife. I was unsupportive and self centered. I was throwing these tantrums all of the time. I cried almost every day until the move on January 17th. I then cried all day that day. I cried most days for the next few weeks. I was a complete mess.
None of this was good for our relationship -- I was right about that! We were always arguing or ignoring each other. We both said a
ton of hurtful things to one another. It was just bad. Very, very bad. However, it was not the move that was hurting us, it was me. I know it "takes two to tango", but I've learned that you can only change yourself and hope that this will lead to changes in others.
I'm not sure what it was that hit me (actually, I think I do... it had to be Him), but one day I just decided I had to do something. I had to make some changes in me. I was not being a good person. I had become so consumed with the "why mes". I had thrown the biggest, longest pity party ever, and it was high time that the shindig came to a close.
I decided to accept things as they were. I stopped the "If only we were..." "I wish it were..." "Why can't we..." statements. Those were a waste of time and they just made me more upset anyway. This was difficult at first, as changing behavior will always be. I employed some of those behavioral therapy techniques I have studied for so long on myself, lol. Hey, they helped!
I stopped wanting for things that I didn't have. I began to realize what was really important - my family and our happiness together. My heart
broke during those arguments with Jake - not for myself, but for Logan. I worst-case-scenario'ed it, thinking how horrible it would be if Jake and I separated. Logan would be devastated. Even just thinking of it now, makes me cry. I needed to change so that my family could survive as a happy unit. This is the thing that motivates me the most. I have swallowed my pride, stifled my stubbornness, and bit my tongue so many times in order to avoid stupid, petty arguments. Isn't the happiness of those around me more important than proving I'm right about something so small and insignificant? Can't I sacrifice some things for those who I love? Let me tell you something, those thoughts of starting arguments or feeling like I need to get things out that might be destructive are in my thoughts daily. However, by identifying them as such and not letting them get out, I feel so much better. I know that I am growing and bettering myself, and that in itself makes me feel better and makes those thoughts go away. Natural reinforcement, if you will.
...and wouldn't you know it. After making the right decisions... after working so hard at striving to be better... after giving up on the what ifs and self serving thoughts... things started to get better. My relationship with Jake strengthened. I became a better parent to my love bug. I became a better friend. I became more of the person that I used to be before life threw me for a loop, perhaps with a little more wisdom and strength than before, though. Good things have been happening since I've made the changes. I think good things will continue to happen. I have high hopes.
I do not write about God a lot, mostly because I think my relationship with Him is a personal one. I will say, however, that through all of this, I have reintroduced myself to Him. I have let Him in. I've realized that I need Him. I need his help, guidance, and grace.
I've also learned that I am worthy of this. We are all worthy of this.
I am not perfect. I never will be. I will always have battles. I will get upset. I will want to yell and fight. I yelled and fought a little yesterday before I caught myself, actually. It's a process, but one I will continue to work through for the benefit of those that I love.
Back to the title of this post. Here I am, almost a year later, after a second move. I no longer cry every day. I'm excited to see what the future holds. I'm excited to see where the path leads. I am excited to
support Jake. I am excited to achieve those
resolutions I made in my blog post on October 20.
I am excited to continue growing.
